New Moon Turns Many On ... To Team Jacob!

Have you ever had a secret you can’t tell anyone? I’m afraid I’m about to divulge the biggest no-no in the history of obsessing over Robert Pattinson…

New Moon portrays everything found in Stephenie Meyer’s book, the grueling emotion of a love-triangle, a world full of mystical monsters, and a whole shit ton of rain.  But, much to this Robsessed girl’s surprise, when it comes to a battle of the bare midriffs, Taylor Lautner’s washboard tummy whips Robert Pattinson’s skimpy, airbrushed “abs” hands down. New Moon has opened my Robsessed eyes to something new and dangerous, Team Jacob.

Drooling over Jacob walking shirtless in the rain. Guilty.

Ouch, it physically hurts to except that Pattinson is far from sexy in the newest Twilight installment, but he looks more dead, pale, and scrawny then ever when standing next to the Indian-god Jacob Black. Yeah, we know he doesn’t work out and loves his junk food, but a mere shaving of the chest would have gained Edward some sex points. Truth is New Moon turned the Edward craze into somewhat of a pity party with enough vampire brooding to fill the rest of the Twilight Saga and the lack of a sparkly, well-dressed Edward tossing up a to-die-for crooked smile here and there.

New Moon has me achin’ for some Jake-in, if you know what I mean. The flick turned the very emotional feud between Jacob and Edward into a full on body war in which Jacob, no doubt, is the clear winner. When watching Jacob strut his stuff I had to remind myself of two very important things: One, I still have about a year before I can legally jump his Native American bones. And two, my mother is sitting right next to me in the premiere.

The good news is, Lautner’s man parts finally descended giving him a burly voice and changing the image of “little brother” to “I wish you weren’t my brother.” On the other hand, Pattinson’s razor sharp jaw line doesn’t sparkle enough in New Moon to outshine Lautner’s performance. Though I stand a firm member of Team Edward, because I’m just so not into shedding (read: a huge ass dog as my boy toy), I have to admit for approximately 10 minutes I fell for Jacob. Phew, glad that’s over.

So Lautner is giving Pattinson a run for his money when it comes to his hott bod, but what about the third point in the love triangle, the mullet-headed twat, Kristen Stewart—aka Bell Swan.

 

I am a firm believer that Kristen Stewart is the worst actress to be called a “good actress” in Hollywood today. She is, as I’ve mentioned before, the female equivalent to Michael Cera with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Having said that, Stewart was absolutely breathtaking in New Moon. Yes, that’s right, I just complimented Stewart on her acting skills. Enjoy it now, it will never happen again.

Something happened, be it acting classes, a new real-life love interest (Pattinson), or just puberty, Stewart owned Bella Swan and all the emotion that surrounds the character in New Moon. She smiled convincingly, actually cried, and even quit batting her eyes like a hummingbird as she really honed in on Swan as a character and not just another disinterested, emo-girl role—which Stewart plays oh so well in all of her other movies. This new found respect for Stewart as an actress may not last, but at least I won’t feel the need to verbally bash her the next 100+ times I watch New Moon.

Now onto the big tuna, the one who had the vision for New Moon—no I’m not talking about lame-o Stephenie Meyer and the “dream” she had that started it all—I’m talking Chris Weitz the director and mastermind behind the movie.

I’m pretty sure Weitz made a bet with someone that he could, in great detail, incorporate every major scene from the 500-page book and follow the exact plot line within the confines of a 2 hour and 2 minute movie. Though in most cases this is impossible, weirdo-Weitz doesn’t believe in the impossible and that someone better start forking—pun intended—over the cash.

Though it was a bit choppy and quick-paced, New Moon is like reading the book from cover to cover. Most critics of drastic plot changes would think this is a good thing, I think it’s just too much movie in one movie. Had I not read the book, the scene changes have had a lot of moviegoers wondering what the hell is going on now?

Another issue with the movie, according to LOTR’s buffs and Harry Potter lovers, is the CGI. I have absolutely no idea what this means and I don’t care to know, so don’t explain it to me. Supposedly, it has something to do with special effects? I honestly don’t see how someone can criticize how realistic it looks when someone transforms into a werewolf … I’m sorry, did I miss the point when in real life you witnessed a werewolf transformation with which to compare? … I didn’t think so.

As far as I am concerned, the CGI—special effects, or whatever—is pretty freaking baller. Considering I would be satisfied with them throwing a Husky in the split frame and calling it a transformation. As long as there is enough Edward hallucinations, and believe me there are, I’m not very concerned with massive dogs, being a vampire girl and all.

 

After seeing New Moon twice in the past 24 hours, I remain a Robert Pattinson-obsessed fan. As a Robert Pattinson and Twilight Saga enthusiast, I wear my “Team Edward” shirt with dignity and thank Stephenie Meyer for her lack of “striptease in Italy” scenes in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Robert Pattinson is still drop dead sexy in my mind, as long as he keeps his Stoli on and remembers to drink up during mealtime—the dead look is so not working for him.

IT'S HAMMER TIME

I just had my last official college class today and, yes, I think that calls for some dancing, singing, and all out Hammer time. Honestly, when is this not appropriate? 

If all goes according to plan, I'll be Hammering in more ways than one in Manhattan (No, I don't want a job in construction, or do I?) within the next month...all I need to get my hands on now is the most elusive job...dun dun dun. Hiring? Please feel free to contact me. Nothing specific — if you will give me money to live off, I will work for you.

Flash Mob Does Janet Jackson

Okay, in all honesty, this is a less than awesome flash mob. The numbers are small, the element of surprise is lost in the set up, and some of the dancers are down right scary (read: flailing, large men). But besides the failed attempt at being an awesome flash mob, they did grab the attention of the lady of the day, Janet Jackson.

A medley of Janet dance moves put to some of Janet's greatest hits completed the flash mob in The Grove in Los Angeles. The only impressive thing about this particular flash mob is the smile that plastered Janet's face as she watched the entire thing from a balcony on the street.

Watch the Janet Jackson flash mob below:

No doubt, this was a pleasant surprise in all the turmoil surrounding Jackson's brother, Michael's, death. With the continued accusations against his personal physicians, the turmoil surrounding his orphaned children, and the impending reality series starring Jackson family members ... Janet has no doubt found herself in the controversial spotlight a lot recently. What a relief to be honored with a flash mob and a tribute to her music.

Twilight Quicky: New Moon PREMIERE

Well, the boys are back in town ...  and that includes the lovely, mullet-headed "lady," KStew ... for the L.A. premiere of New Moon. Aren't one of the fanpires who camped out four days ago in front of Mann's Village Theatre and Bruin Theatre to get a glimpse of the stars from afar? No worries. Twilight fans, go here to check out the live stream from the red carpet at New Moon's L.A. premiere. Its just hours away...


And on a side note, has anyone else noticed how much closer Robert and Kristen have been getting to each other in pictures? I hear a relationship announcement in the works. Or an evil Summit Entertainment plot to raise ticket sales; I wouldn't put it past them.

KRISTIN AND ROBERT ARE SO DOING IT

HOLY TALEDO, OMFG ... Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are so dating, or doing it, or REALLY good friends (yeah right). Proof has surfaced, and I don't care how juvenile it may be, I totally believe it. And I am in a weird way really not pissed at all. Maybe KStew has grown on me — so not possible — or maybe its because I have a more, realistic boy on my mind.

But let's not get personal. I'm not famous, I don't have pictures of me holding hands with my rumored love interest, and I sure as hell am not shagging the hottest bachelor Brit in Hollywood.

So as of now, which is harder for me than you could ever believe, I say: "You go KStew!" I'll probably hate you by tomorrow when the shock and red wine wear off.

Twilight Quicky

Taylor Swift does spoof of Twilight on most recent SNL appearance. Wonder what boyfriend Jacob Black (aka Taylor Lautner) thinks about her falling for the other guy.

Let The Countdown Begin: 10 Days Until NEW MOON Premiere

Ever heard the tale of King Midas and how everything he touched turned to gold? Well I have the Twilight touch, and I want to touch Robert Pattinson all over. No, I'm not a 13 year old girl who scratches my neck at press junkets, but I have a dream that one day Robert will be mine, all mine (insert evil laugh). But until my evil-ish plan is fulfilled, I guess I'll just have to settle for Robert on the big screen on opening night. Chances are, the rest of the Twi-hards in the premiere and I share common goals for total Robert takeover.

My Twi-Mom called me 2 days ago to let me know she beat me to the punch on purchasing New Moon tickets. After coming to terms with my utter shame that my mother may be more Robsessed than me, I started jumping up and down in the middle of my room. This led to a knock on the door from my downstairs neighbor to make sure I wasn't getting massacred. I assured him it was happy screams, and went back to my overzealous celebration in a more quite way by watching Twilight twice in one day.

So the countdown until next Thursday, November 20 begins. Each of the next 10 days, I will post New Moon promos that will make us all drool and spend the next few nights dreaming Robert-filled dreams, or dreams where we're filled up with Robert, wink wink. (Attn: You must be 18 years old to participate in the latter)

Let's start out with a little bit of official trailer action:

If you feel like wasting a bit of money, Robsessed comes out today. Check out my review of the film and my plee: DO NOT to give these Robert-exploting folks your well earned dollar.

Also, get your hands on some recent HQ photos of Robert, Kristen, and Taylor at New MoonParis Photo Call (Courtesy of ROBsessed Blogger).

PSA: Don't Drink and Ride Public Transit

Everyone always tells you "Don't drink and drive," but what they don't mention is taking the safe route of public transportation has clear and present danger as well. I can count the times on my left hand (...and right hand, and feet) that I've taken a drunken stumble. I have a scratched up phone and a dent in my head to prove it.


But it never crossed my mind that oncoming trains pose a very possible threat, and a little misstep can turn a wild night into a deathly encounter. When they say stay behind the yellow line in the subway: STAY BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE. Or even better, just have a seat on the puke-covered benches—truth is you'll probably be surrounded by your own vom in the near future.


It seems all types of motorize transportation will basically screw you when you've been drinking. Driving yourself gets you a free trip to the slammer, taking a cab poses a possible abduction leading to a warehouse raping, and taking the subway, well:

Taylor Swifts SNL Monologue

A lot of artists take what they're feeling and pour it into their music ... and Taylor Swift is the queen of emotion-filled, unrequited love songs. However, Swift decided to take the higher road on SNL this past weekend and "not" talk about a lot of things.

Swift should be applauded for how well she handles the dramatic and sometimes hurtful situations she gets thrown at her. She is proof that there is nothing like a strong heart and a good laugh to get you through it all:

Tyra Banks Reminds Me My Life Just Isn't That Complicated

What happens when two lady va-jays shack up in one woman's wacked-up, horny-squared body? They get to tell their story on The Tyra Banks show. Just caught a preview clip of tomorrow's (Friday) Tyra where the Oprah wannabe uses her excellent interviewing skills to dig deep into the life-changing story of the two-vaged Lauren Williams.

To put it lightly, when it comes to that time of the month Williams' va-jays do double time and have caused their landlord to go flat broke from sanitary napkin purchases. But don't look for an eviction any time soon, girl parts do more than cock block a few days of the month, they make babies ... and these ones give a new meaning to having twins.

We're not talking inactive hermaphrodite peen here, Williams has an inney and an outey when it comes to these things, and each fully-funnctioning anatomic anomaly has the ability to make little ones. This could be very lucrative or a pain in the ass — take your pick. 

Speaking of ass pains, while contemplating if Williams' situation is a yay or a nay for the male sex, I stumbled across the perfect recently-single mate for our porn producer's dream girl: http://tinyurl.com/3valq.

Think of the places this freak anatomy could take Williams. She could even do gum commercials — double the pleasure, double the fun.

Weezer Teams Up With Armed-Blanket Sensation, The Snuggie

Two powerhouses, the spunky band boys of Weezer and the creators of the remote-accessible Snuggie, are getting together to promote the band’s newest album, Ratitude. The LP is currently up for grabs at the Amazon MP3 Store. However, for a limited time, you can get Ratitude for free with a $30 dollar purchase of the Wuggie—a snuggie with “Weezer” printed across the chest.

Though the idea fits the band’s quirky persona, the team up with Snuggie may not be as lucrative in sales as they may hope. The Snuggie’s status is slowly declining like a fad gone badly. The blankets have become somewhat of an underground craze turned mainstream… and, like in the music world, this sometimes leads to loss of popularity.

However, with the band’s adamant promotion of the “hot ticket item” its possible that the Wuggie will gain media hype, much like Ratitudes’ unusual cover art.

The Wuggie's Infomercial:

Are you a huge Weezer fan who needs the most quality Snuggie available? Hunt down the Safari Snuggie (only $20 dollars more than those boring Snuggie solids) and a deluxe addition copy of the album at the band's official Wuggie website. Perhaps your not a fan of the blanket with arms? Ratitude is still availble for only $3.99 at the Amazon MP3 store, sans Snuggie.

46-38-2, UGA

The weekend of Halloween doesn't just mean slutty costumes and downtown debauchery to the 30,000 students in Athens, Ga. — the home of UGA and the football-playing Bulldogs. Students, faculty, and other Athenians flock from their hometown to the football holy ground, Jacksonville, Fla., in order to participate in the hoopla that is The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and the ultimate sports rival between the two SEC schools, The University of Georgia Bulldogs and The University of Florida Gators.

Though UGA has been suffering a tough football season this year, the record (since 1915) stands that UGA is the all-time winner in the match-up with UF. Gator-hater Athenians are crossing their fingers all weekend long hoping for a victory that will back up the numbers ... Though, with top-ranked UF as the competition, doubts are high in the minds of Bulldog fans.

This legendary meeting between UGA and UF isn't considered The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party for nothing. If you're watching this game, you best have a drink in hand, and it better have more liquor than mixer. Whether it be on frat beach or surrounding the Jacksonville stadium, fans of both teams will get themselves in a drunken stupor to celebrate a win or cure the pangs of going home a loser.

I have to admit, when it comes to UGA football, I have become a fair-weather fan. The Bulldogs have had a disappointing past few seasons, and something must be done in the coaching and recruiting to ensure this doesn't become a permanent slump. I'm not going into the Richt and Martinez debate ... but I think fans share the overall belief that UGA doesn't stand a chance against the football program at UF and the Almighty himself, Tim Tebow.

The Bulldog Nation twiddles their thumbs as they anticipate the loss to Florida. However, there's nothing a cold one and a good "Woof, woof" can't cure. And a good listen to Corey Smith's "Every Dawg" on the way home.

A positive attitude is about all UGA fans can muster at this point. Maybe UGA will take an unexpected win over UF and bring back the Okefenokee Oar.

Taylor Squared: Swift And Lautner Get Hott And Heavy

Drawn out, very public hugs at concerts:

Dinner rendezvous:

and sharing the same name...Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are totally hott — both in their careers and in their face — and are so dating.

I couldn't be happier to see these fames linking arms and locking lips to cope with their rise to the queen and king of teen popular culture. Both Taylors posses an innocence and kindness in their demeanor making this all-too-obvious relationship so absolutely perfect.

Obviously, when your the hott goods in your media market, you want to keep any love interest under wraps — mostly because your rep says so. But I think that even Team Taylor (on both sides of this love connection) would be happy to see these two together.

However, the repercussions behind a rumored celebrity romance (read: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) are sometimes harsh...I don't blame the Taylors for keeping their love life on the hush-hush.

And that's The Celeb Sass.

Now THIS Is A Party In The USA

Did Miley Cyrus steal her "Party in the USA" from these guys? What teen queen sensation has the wherewithal to take FIP boy band's #1 YouTube hit and call it her own? Miley should be embarrassed...her pole dance skills do not even shine a light to FIP boys in the sand, by the ocean, wearing scantily clad man-suits.

If I were to imagine a real party in the USA, I can only assume it would be more like this:

What Ever Happened To Good 'Ole Fashion Killer Bunnies?

Scenes like this one will never get old. Where has this beautiful stupidness gone to? Humor these days has to surround a failing relationship, a phallic body part, or something to do with a dumb college co-ed and and a blonde joke. Booooring. Give me killer bunnies, debates on migrating coconuts, and French taunting any day.

Or perhaps killer bunnies aren't sassy enough for your liking. The ultimate Monty Python Sass lies within the knights who say "nee."

And that's The Old School Sass.

Man In #$@^stan (Some Foreign Nation) Misses The Bus

I think this man confused all of his friends when he happily stated that he just missed the bus by an inch ...

Didn't he have to wait for the next bus?

The Fashion Sass

FashionSass by mariebag featuring Nicole Farhi

New Moon Shows Up Twilight Yet Again

Even if you have watched Twilight about 1oo times, there is not doubt that Chris Weitz's New Moon is going to blow Catherine Hardwicke's Twilight out of the water. Similar to the Coke vs. Coke Zero, this is an in-franchise battle...and New Moon will come out on top. Watch out Summit Entertainment, there may be some vamp-drama in the future.

Having a male director, Weitz, will help New Moon to excel in action production. Don't get me wrong, seeing Edward Cullen knock Bella Swan off her feet gets me giddy, but I want some serious invincible vampire fighting!

Yes, the end fight scene in Twilight was pretty decent...but I'm even more impressed with the mere snippets of action I have seen in New Moon teasers like this one:

With less than a month left until New Moon hits theaters (November 20), I am already far more excited than I was for Twilight. And if you know me, that is really saying something. (Read: I went to see Twilight fives times in theaters within 2 weeks).

White Girls Can Jump...and Bump and Grind

Though I have a questionable past in the college sorority market (actually being in one for 3 years...) Greek Grind has always been one of my favorite times of year. For those of you who don't attend UGA or deny that 17% of the student body is made up of Greeks (frats and sorots), Greek Grind is a dance competition held every year by Sigma Delta Tau to raise money for some charity I can't think of at the moment.

Anyhow, to see girls shaking what their mama gave them to harcore rap is one thing, but when a bunch of white girls actually pull off a hip-hop dance routine, there is something to be said for that.

I was scanning FB as I normally do 10+ times a day, and I came across ZTA's 2009 Greek Grind dance video. I believe we may have America's Next Dance Crew right here in Athens. Get it girls.

Check out ZTA doing there THANG below:

If they didn't win...I would like to see what could possibly beat that.

And that's The Sass.

"Empire State Of Mind" Has The Staying Power Of Sinatra's "New York"...

Start spreading the news...these streets will make you feel brand new, these lights will inspire you.

Jay-z and Alicia Keys crank out a classic, "Empire State of Mind." Not only do I blast the tune on my iPod and get a little beat in my step, I do this in very crowded areas. And yes, it is my ringtone.

The quality of the lyrics and the bigger-than-life style make "Empire State of Mind" the new "New York." This newest soundtrack to a New Yorker's life will undoubtedly stand the test of time; a classic in the making.

Have a listen. Because I know you want to.

The World Is Coming To An End

I realize the topic matter is a bit heavy for a first blog, but hear me out. Square burgers are being claimed as fresh off the cow, TV shows have been shortened to 3-minute episodes, and I'm beginning to pale like an overworked magazine editor in the city. I didn't know how an "at commercial" conversation during The City with my loyal bestie could possibly lead to my realization that the impending end of the world is just around the corner.

Take Wendy's. The ability to perfectly pack burger meat into a square with each order is a skill far beyond the reaches of my imagination. I would like to meet these men and women who so symmetrically mold meat in order to make my Double Jr. Cheese Burger Deluxe fresh to order. Stick with what you know best Wendy's and please save yourself the time of convincing both your diners and yourself that your patties have never shacked up in a freezer. We all know where your beef has been...

What the hell is Valemont? Taunting Twi-hards worldwide (who more than likely also live vicariously through The Hills and The City) with a "Vampire-like mystery" is just wrong. If you watch the "next week on The City" teaser you know doubt will be sucked into Valemont, the gruesome 3-minute long mini-mini-drama immediately following MTV's "reality" show Tuesday. Sucked in may imply interest, and in no way is interest in this itty-bity-drama series possible. By the time you figure out what you're watching it is over. Has mankind become so lazy that a 3-minute episode can constitute entertainment?

Lastly, ever since tanning beds were labeled carcinogens and the summer sun peaced-out, I am beginning to see the palest of pale that my Italian skin can possible get. Being a vampire for Halloween will be easier than I originally thought...seeing as I'm already on the road to resembling Bella Swan post change.

And, that's The Sass.